Not Right in the Head
May is Mental Health Awareness month. I have a passion for raising awareness of mental illness and fighting its stigma. Not only did I work for over 30 years in the mental health field, like many other people living with Parkinson’s I have been diagnosed with a depressive disorder. I have read that as many as half of people with Parkinson’s carry a diagnosis of depression, and 30% think about suicide. I am one of those people. Don’t get me wrong, I am a happy person. Sometimes I just have to make myself miserable for a bit before I can enjoy things!
I remember when I used to just have major depressive disorder. As far back as I can remember I experienced depression. I did not know what it was until in my 20s when I first sought help after being robbed. I had anxiety, sleeplessness, loss of motivation, and feelings of helplessness. So I went to therapy and eventually took antidepressants. “Don’t worry it’s treatable… You’ll be back to your old self soon,” my mental health providers told me, and they were right. Within a year I was out of therapy, off medications and back to my more mildly depressed old self!
I would return to therapy and anti-depressants two more times before my diagnosis of Parkinson’s. I think I was pretty good client/patient/consumer/victim. I didn’t complain about medication side effects. I went to sessions on time. I faced all the hard lessons about myself and my life. I discovered most of my inadequacies as a person. I never laughed at the therapists who rubbed their chins and said, “How does that make you feel?” I even embraced the suggestion that I perpetuate my depression by eating too much/too little, sleeping too much/too little, exercising not enough/too little, engaging in enmeshed/distant relationships, or just having parents! I was labeled “compliant and non-resistant,” which is therap-ese for a “good client.”
Having a mental illness is no more fun than having degenerative brain disease. Both carry a stigma, but a person living with Parkinson’s is not labeled lazy, attention-seeking, dangerous, unpredictable and unreliable as it is with mental illness. Thanks to Michael J. Fox, great advocacy groups and it being a medical (not mental) illness Parkinson’s is a “worthy” disease. While it can be a burden carrying around these two around, at least now when people say I am not right in the head I can show them my tremor and say, “You’re exactly right.”
If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts do not hesitate to reach out for help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is open 24 hours a day at 800-273-8255 or text to 741741.
Note: this is Part 1 of 2 posts I will be sharing about depression and Parkinson’s this month. Check back soon for the second post about what works for me in coping with depression and Parkinson’s.
Original Artwork © 2014 Steve Steinberg