Looking Good
Compared to when I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s I’ve put on weight and aged eight years. I have bags under my eyes because of poor sleep, tremor exhaustion, and general fatigue - all common with Parkinson’s. People keep telling me I look great, though. In the first couple of years after diagnosis I did look good. Why? I was afraid! Afraid of a life of Parkinson’s and all the unknowns that go along with it. So out of fear I started eating and exercising obsessively. Fear is a great motivator! Fear makes you do things you don’t usually do because you are afraid something bad will happen. Fear is the reason people join gyms, start on diets, go to therapy, and vote in elections. Back then I was in the best shape of my life and people were right to say I looked good.
As my fear subsided old habits crept into my life, so I was perplexed as the compliments kept coming. Was my rosy complexion and pleasant demeanor belying my waning fitness, expanding waistline and advancing age? Was my positive mental attitude rising above all else to enhance my appearance? Were people just taking pity on me because I have Parkinson’s? The answer to all of these is “no”.
The compliments were genuine and sincere. I came to understand that “you look great” was an incomplete sentence. What people really mean, especially those I do not see regularly, is, “you look great…compared to what I was expecting.” Other versions of this compliment are “you don’t look like you have PD,” “you’re not in a wheelchair yet,” and “at least you can still eat solid food.” It is like receiving a passing grade on a test and the teacher says, “good for you, I expected you to fail.” I am living above the expectations of those around me, I guess.
Many people focus on the degenerative aspects of Parkinson’s. They think of it as a death sentence. I believe it is a life sentence. I am sentenced to a life where I must live fully today, love fully today, and laugh fully today. Even if I feel tired, out of shape and old.
Addendum: I wrote this entry several months ago. In the time since, I have been eating better and exercising regularly. As a result, I have lost weight, significantly reduced my cholesterol, and I sleep better. All through eating well and exercise. Who knew?! (By the way, diet and exercise did nothing for my age)
