Nighttime Practice
“Are they paying you to be in this study or are you just doing it because you’re a nice guy?” I had just told my friend I was going in for a sleep study at the local sleep center. I understand her confusion. Medical professionals have their own vocabulary wherein they “practice” medicine, “negative” is a good thing and “positive” is a bad thing. My roommate’s confusion was further muddled by the fact that I have participated in real experimental studies on Parkinson’s for pay, and that I am a nice guy.
Let’s get the confusion out of the way. I was going to spend the night at my sleep specialist’s office so I could be fitted with the BiPap mask. A BiPAP is like a CPAP but the air goes both ways. You see, I have sleep apnea, but not the obstructive kind only. Turns out that Parkinson’s has invited me to a nightly party called Central Sleep Apnea. Both obstructive and central apneas are disruptions to breathing during sleep. While obstructive results from physiological structures blocking air, central apneas result from brief periods of miscommunication from the brain to the muscles that control breathing (Parkinson’s at play, again). Well, this was my third sleepover at the doctors office. Come to think of it he has asked me to spend the night more often than…well, never mind.
As with previous visits they started by attaching somewhere between 50 and 200 wires to my legs, head, back, chest…basically any place on my body covered in hair. This is done by a sleep technician as the doctors have more important things do do while I have a sleepover. I think the technicians believe they are doing me a favor when they take body hair when removing the glued on electrodes in the morning. They take so much hair I should get a punch card so I get free hair removal after my tenth study. You know, like at that haircut place that hires the beauty school dropouts.
I chose to wear a t-shirt and gym shorts as pajamas because I like to pretend that to stay awake the technicians play basketball. They usually don’t let the patients play because it skews the sleep study results. I like to think that sometimes they have to ask the patient to play because one of the technicians falls asleep. During this current sleep study, I am sure I was awake for at least two hours, but the technician Insisted I slept through the night. Where was he when I was awake? Of course, playing basketball! I am a little hurt they didn’t ask me to play, but I understand because who wants a three-point shooter with basketball shorts that go to his ankles, a one size too small Bay City Rollers t-shirt, and 500 electrodes and wires attached to his body.
So why do they they called this specialized test a sleep “study”? Well, as with when I was in college, I studied all night, when it was over I was told I did better than I thought I had, and I have to wait two weeks for the final results to be posted. That’s how long it takes to get the results? There must be a great basketball game happening wherever it is that the doctors practice.
