Validation

Since my DBS, I’ve had trouble with my balance. It has improved with my calibrations, but I’m still having some problems. I have not fallen, thankfully, but getting up from my chair, or from squatting position, causes me to take it a few extra steps to keep from falling. This is worrisome for my family and friends, even my neurologist. It’s just another Parkinson’s adventure for me but confusing and sometimes laughable to strangers. Whoever sees me stumble I try to make eye contact with them, just to let them know I’m OK and it’s OK to laugh. I also want validation. Someone to just nod and smile as if to say, “I understand, I am a klutz or a PD patient too.” But I don’t get it that often - in fact, not at all.

This morning at the grocery store, I dropped a coin and bent over to pick it up. I had to take three or four extra steps to regain my balance as I stood up. I looked at the two men at the ATM nearby. I smiled and shrugged. Nothing. Just blank stares. Not even a laugh with, or without, pointing to show it registered as something human about the guy who almost did a Chevy Chase prat fall in front of them. As I left the store, I felt invisible.

I decided to get a coffee and sit in a quiet plaza. Think plaza in Europe, not the US - think gardens, not food courts. The gardens and statues quietly guard the serenity of the plaza when suddenly a car horn beeps and two people start yelling. One is on a bicycle. The other is in a car stopped but into the bike lane. I don’t speak German, but I know from the tone that bad things were said. As I turned away, I wondered how bad the language was, and if anybody else had heard it. At that moment, I caught the eye of a person looking in my direction. She had that look on her face that said, “did you see that?! Did you hear that?!” I gave back the “can you believe that happened.” We shared a smirk and off she went. My morning made, I walked on feeling the validation of her knowing eyes.

Edeka (Berlin grocery store) bag, ©2023 Steve Steinberg